The morning was long and quiet.
Love miraculous and true.
The birds sing their good day
And the gull speaks of the sea.
Michael is under my arm
A tear rolls into my ear.
My heart opens
And from it flies a hundred moments
Of love I have carried with me.
They dance on the ceiling
Shimmering.

Simple things.

Simple things.

Petunia in the sun,
My hand on her belly.
Melody’s profile, regal and fine.
She is carrying twins.

Joanie’s good morning.
Her entire spirit in it.
And how she skips out of the blue.
And little Erika C
With her perfect red lipstick
Clapping her hands together with laughter

Cameron’s hand in his hair,
And how he tips his head back.
Rie pretty in a prom dress
Smiling so fully a smile of self acceptance.
My sisters brown hands,
Fine and strong like her

Dora standing before me
Her soft strength
Erika V so present
Looking at me with so ernest
a gaze.

Our cross dressing friend
And how he too wanted pretty dresses.

Oh love.
Oh love.
Simple simple things

Phillippe walking so tall beside
me in Larchmont.
And how he listens to what I don’t say.
Sweet Madeline crying with gratitude.
Her face red with newness.
Yes, life is so good.

And Natasha in her cape with leopard trim,
Hopeful and eager
And little Lucy’s red cheeks framed by curls.
Kristen walking away graceful in grunge.

Dear.
Dear
Simple things

Heart breaking
With fullness
And gratitude

Michael is under my arm.
A perfect miracle.

Thank you God
For love strong and true
And for bringing back to me
so many moments of you.

I found the last piece of my heart today.
It was hiding under the couch.
I had been on my knees looking for weeks.

I had searched the floor, under the chairs,
under the bar, at the door, under the table,
but it was no where to be seen.

I woke one morning and thought
to lift the book shelf and all the pillows.
Perhaps it had landed there, that last little piece.
No.

The shattering had scattered so many sharp little pieces across the floor.
It took weeks to gather them back together.
No paint by numbers this heart of mine.
I picked them up each one by one and studied them.
I turned them this way and that, gently placing them
edge to edge, finally holding them there with my love.

Painstaking work.
Valuable.
The heart tells a story.
So many ah ha’s as I saw the messages
appearing and
for the first time I began to understand
who I am
And what I have done
for love
and what I had done in fear.

I struggled to place pieces together and
only when I didn’t fight against them did
they connect truly.
I tried to hold them with the glue of my anger
but by days end they would be loose yet again.

Only love worked to hold them.
This the greatest benefit of a broken heart.
You cannot change the story,
but you will love it back together again.

And then to be left with just one piece missing.

On one side of this gaping hole was an F.
And on the edge of the other a TH.
The space between them, a cavern.

What was the story there to know?
What part was missing?

I stopped sleeping through the night.
I refused invitations to go out.
I scoured the place.
I began to look in even the most unlikely dark spots.
No matter where I was my mind was still in search.
F……………………TH
I have never been good at crossword puzzles.

Finally, one night I got on my knees and
when that produced nothing, I got on my belly.
I lay face down on the floor and cried.
And when the storm passed, it was quiet.
I found myself staring into the dark
and under the couch.
I stared hard and clear.
I saw something glittering.
I stretched out my arm as long as I could make it.

I reached and reached again,
longer and longer,
and finally the tips of my fingers
found it’s edge.
And as I drew it close, I gasped.
Oh,
There on its face
The letter A and the letter I.
Wholeness came in the word faith.

He broke up with me last week.
He had his reasons.

I fought all week against the urge to reach to him
And every day I failed.
I wrote him letters, long pleading letters,
and I sent him texts that were poetry.
I asked for forgiveness and for compassion,
and I begged for another chance.
I had no pride and no shame.
I pleaded with two thumbs into my phone snot running down my chin.
I looked into a computer screen in disbelief
and cried out my yearning alone.
Nothing.
Nothing.
I went numb crying.
I wondered if I threw myself out of the third floor window if I would die.
It’s true.
I did.
Finally I wrote again. ” Please don’t do this.
Don’t abandon us this way. Please let me love you again.”
And in the morning on board my flight home I saw his name
in my in box.
My heart did not stop.
I just opened the mail.

He responded…” Shareen, Please stop this. There is nothing more to say.”
And to read these two sentences was to feel a hand hard against my face.
The same man who called me precious, and baby, and darling and lover.

We were at 35,000 feet.
Heaven was stretched out before me framed in my small window.
I looked across a pale blue and marshmallow back drop.
I grew quiet and became aware that my breath was regular.
I let soft blue take me and I knew a peace I needed.
Love is forever.
It is infinite.
Love is forgiveness and compassion.
Love is acceptance.
Love is patience.
It is understanding and allowing.
It gives space.
It asks not for itself.

It has been 144 hours since that bit of mail.
I have been at work.
I have laughed and sung and
I have danced.
I have served you in both cities,
responded to mail, seen friends
for dinner and I have slept well,
and worked out and
I have been light and funny and
I have also cried a river.

I am trying to cope with a disappearing act.

For me cracked ice is only one degree from repair.
For him it must have been imminent disaster.
For me, rain is intended for growth.
For him it must just ruin the day.

You know me, I’m into rework.
Damage requires only a creative and loving solution.
But others throw things away.

Finally, and here is the important part,
the part it has taken me a week to know;
There is the drama of the personality
nd then there is the knowledge of the soul.

The day is fine in NY.
The trees are dressed for prom.
The love that lived will always live
And in the world around me
It goes on and on and on.

Do not be
One of the foolish
Entitled.
Really?
You think you deserve
Anything?

It’s all a gift
Dumb, dumb.

We are nothing
And no one
And unimportant.
And all the gifts you have
Can be taken from you.
And what ever impact
You are making
May be diminished
And made obsolete.

It’s all a gift
Our day to day
That you stepped out of bed,
A gift.

Bow down.
Often.
And if you are permitted
To stand straight and tall
Sing
And if you are free
Dance.

Throw your arms around his neck.
Take her hand,
Hug harder.
Kiss longer.
Only fools assume tomorrow.

Oh little girl
With the pout on your face
Who asked you to go
When it was stay stay stay.

Oh pretty girl
You’ve lost your glow
Why did you say yes
When it was no no no.

And why do you give
When you want to receive
And why do you stay
when you so want to leave.

And dont you forgive
if you just can’t forget
There’s no need to be friends
When there’s still such a debt.

Oh little girl
Come back in the door
There’s nothing out there
for you to explore.
Its all here and here and
deep inside.
From your gorgeous heart
there is nothing to hide.