Archives for: March 2012

LOSS

03/23/12 | by Shareen [mail] | Categories: downtown girls

He broke up with me last week.
He had his reasons.

I fought all week against the urge to reach to him
And every day I failed.
I wrote him letters, long pleading letters,
and I sent him texts that were poetry.
I asked for forgiveness and for compassion,
and I begged for another chance.
I had no pride and no shame.
I pleaded with two thumbs into my phone snot running down my chin.
I looked into a computer screen in disbelief
and cried out my yearning alone.
Nothing.
Nothing.
I went numb crying.
I wondered if I threw myself out of the third floor window if I would die.
It’s true.
I did.
Finally I wrote again. ” Please don’t do this.
Don’t abandon us this way. Please let me love you again.”
And in the morning on board my flight home I saw his name
in my in box.
My heart did not stop.
I just opened the mail.

He responded…” Shareen, Please stop this. There is nothing more to say.”
And to read these two sentences was to feel a hand hard against my face.
The same man who called me precious, and baby, and darling and lover.

We were at 35,000 feet.
Heaven was stretched out before me framed in my small window.
I looked across a pale blue and marshmallow back drop.
I grew quiet and became aware that my breath was regular.
I let soft blue take me and I knew a peace I needed.
Love is forever.
It is infinite.
Love is forgiveness and compassion.
Love is acceptance.
Love is patience.
It is understanding and allowing.
It gives space.
It asks not for itself.

It has been 144 hours since that bit of mail.
I have been at work.
I have laughed and sung and
I have danced.
I have served you in both cities,
responded to mail, seen friends
for dinner and I have slept well,
and worked out and
I have been light and funny and
I have also cried a river.

I am trying to cope with a disappearing act.

For me cracked ice is only one degree from repair.
For him it must have been imminent disaster.
For me, rain is intended for growth.
For him it must just ruin the day.

You know me, I’m into rework.
Damage requires only a creative and loving solution.
But others throw things away.

Finally, and here is the important part,
the part it has taken me a week to know;
There is the drama of the personality
nd then there is the knowledge of the soul.

The day is fine in NY.
The trees are dressed for prom.
The love that lived will always live
And in the world around me
It goes on and on and on.

March 2012
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